did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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