did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
