is your mom at the bar?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
