Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Last time i carry you out of a forest
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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