before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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