whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
