3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
