Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
