I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
