I hate all girls vehemently.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
