the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
