Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
smell my finger.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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