just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
