They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
