...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
