I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
