I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
