Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
