I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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