Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
