True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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