so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
