just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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