yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"