You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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