I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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