I hate your face
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
