I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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