the condom got lost in my hair
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
