I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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