Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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