I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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