Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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