Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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