Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
