DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
