So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
