oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
