so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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