he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
