My liver just broke up with me...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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