I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
