On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
