At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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