You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
