This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She's the barista slut.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
