well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
