We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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