So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
