How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
