If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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