6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
