I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
