I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
be right there i have to get my cape
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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