I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
